Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
