My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
