Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
