she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
