i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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