What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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