it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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