Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
