i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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