Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
