Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
