I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
