I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
