if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
