I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
