dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
