hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
