Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
