On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize