I just made out with a guy for $7.
If that was your dad, he is hot
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
