three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
