Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
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She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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