glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
