seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
