those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
