Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
