The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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