I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
