Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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