Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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