i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
