why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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