Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
