There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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