Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
wow bdsm is so cute
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