Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just invented taco cereal.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
