are you still at the devil's house?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
