I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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