haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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