Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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