So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
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I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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