dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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