Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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