My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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