"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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