best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
