was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
