I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So much rum. So many feels.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
