he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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