hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
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when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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