She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
