Someone shit on the floor
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
sarcasm needs its own font
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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