he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
