I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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