we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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